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PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:22 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:10 pm
Posts: 50
Location: NH
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM MASSACHUSETTS IF: (or work here)


You think if someone is nice to you they either want something or they are from out of town

The public transportation system is known as the "T" and you'd rather drive in
bumper to bumper traffic for 4 hours to get to Boston than be caught dead on the "Orange Line"

You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house

There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house and that
is how you give directions

If you stay on the same road long enough it eventually has three different names

53 degrees is "on the warm side"

You've walked to Brigham's for an ice cream cone "to go" in the snow

You cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the"Boston Accent" on TV

You call chocolate sprinkles "jimmies"

A water fountain is called a bubbler. Say it " bubbla".

You can go from one side of town to the other in less than fifteen minutes

You know how to pronounce towns like Worcester, Haverhill, Peabody,
Scituate, Chatham, and Leominster

You know what they sell at a "packie"

You keep an ice scraper in your car all year round

Paranoia sets in when you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car
to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left

You've bragged about saving money at The Christmas Tree Shop

You know what a "regular coffee" is!

You can navigate a rotary without a problem

You use the words "wicked" "pissa" and "good" in the same sentence

You know what a frappe is

Saint Patrick's Day is your second favorite holiday

You drink tonic and would never consider using it on your hair

You never say "Cape Cod" you say "The Cape"

You went to Old Sturbridge Village and Plymouth Plantation at least once,
in elementary school, but never to Bunker Hill

You know the Mass Pike and 495 create some sort of strange weather dividing line

You actually get all these jokes and pass them on!


I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth,
I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniel's and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.
There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in South Georgia recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'Ain't got no license. Y'all must understand, these are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yes sir. Every night, I take them down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these ice chests here and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth, Mr. Government Man.. I'll show you. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the warden 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
........

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north, did ya?
Heart health risk

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female . . . A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest_expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't
Even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
Exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
This jar home and bring back a semen sample
Tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
At the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
Which was as clean and empty as on the
Previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
With my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
Her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
Then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
And she tried too, first with both hands, then an
Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
Her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your
Neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
The jar open.

Age By.....Trip to Wal-Mart....


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house

mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living

room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or

paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the

outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a

stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you

realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help

complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your

hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.

Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your

favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet

some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went

to school with the pretty girl running the register.



In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.

Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much

else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in

the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite

cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the

register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.



In your 40's:


Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough

to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on

different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of

Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any

of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and

do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing

running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird

thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your

hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to

get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror

and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes

you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she

sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you

remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar

and it says, "I Got Worms."



In your 60's:


Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the

dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you

were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing

hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the

register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so

you are not sure.


In your 70's:


Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they

have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog

crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at

you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:


Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now

you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and

wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.

Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You

went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

Maryland Crabs


A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up , so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think!

How Fights Start

My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at 40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started....

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
>
> Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
>
> 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
> 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
> 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
>
> 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
>
> 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
>
> 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
>
> 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
>
> 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
>
> 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
>
> 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..
>
> 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
>
> 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
>
> 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
>
> 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
>

> And last, but not least:
>
> 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One ofthe clerks passed out.

ImageSnagit Capture by SHOEMAK38, on Flickr


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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:07 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2004 9:24 am
Posts: 2957
Location: Myrtle Beach
LOL! I know you can't wait to get here! Hope we have good weather for you!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 1:17 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 7:10 pm
Posts: 50
Location: NH
patrish wrote:
LOL! I know you can't wait to get here! Hope we have good weather for you!

it's been rainy of late like up here hopefully that changes :roll:


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