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 Post subject: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 3:46 pm 
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Location: Selinsgrove, PA
I got this from my mom in an email. Thought y'all would enjoy it too.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies..

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. Youre boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 4:14 pm 
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HaHaHaHa......I laughed all the way through this. I think that having had my first colonoscopy a couple years ago made it even more funny! Thanks for sharing!

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:45 am 
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Location: Hagerstown, MD
I love it! I can't wait to share it with friends. Thanks for posting.


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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 11:18 am 
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Location: Annapolis, MD
When I saw this title, I thought to myself... "Wow, MBMB is getting a little personal". Especially for a forum entitled "Our warm and fuzzy spot" !!! :mrgreen: :lol: :mrgreen: :lol:

Great stuff !

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:31 pm 
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Location: southwestern PA
Dawne, I had this done in March. But had to drink some in the evening and the rest in the morning. I threw up in the morning too. The test is nothing but the prep is..... what can i say? I wanted to DIE!!!! I can't describe the taste it is horrendous. It tastes like salt water alot only 10000 times worse. It was a terrible experience. On top of that I have juvenile (Type I) diabetes so this was quite an undertaking for me.


I told my doctor I will never and I mean never do this again and I know how important this test is as i work in the medical field. I didn't even laugh reading what you posted.

Since this was done a week before Easter I just kept telling myself that Jesus died on the cross for me and this was my penance. God Bless everyone who does this.

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2010 10:51 pm 
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Location: Myrtle Beach - Formerly Tyrone, PA
Reading that article, there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind that every woman who has experienced the joy of childbirth is looking at her husband and thinking:





...................................................... "Ha! - WIMP"!!!



:bootyshake: :roll:


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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 4:11 pm 
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Posts: 371
Location: Charleston, WV
I've always tried to visualize how the whole idea for the colonoscopy came about.

Was it something serious?:

Dr Welby: If we only had a way to get a clear picture inside of the intestine. We could save more lives.
Dr Kildare: Marcus. What if we had a small camera?
Dr Welby: Yes. We could place it on the end of a long flexible tube.

OR

In a Morgantown frat house by a keg.......

Bill: Ted....I have a new web cam.
Ted: Excellent Bill....What can we do with it?
Bill: I don't know Ted....What if we place it on the end of a long hose?
Ted: Excellent Bill...Then we could push it into all sorts of places. ... Hey!!! I know what!!!!!
Bill & Ted: AWSOME!!!!!!!!!

Bill and Ted are probably rich today..........


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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 6:58 pm 
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Location: Massena, NY
:ac41[1]:

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 8:56 pm 
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LOL, Alan. You're certainly a creative thinker!

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 Post subject: Re: Colonoscopy Journal
PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2010 12:03 am 
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Sure, you can give credit to Doctors Welby and Kildare...



...or Bill and Ted...




...but none of them would have been successful if a guy named "Ray O'Vac" hadn't thought to put a LIGHT with the camera, too. :bootyshake:



.


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